I seem to vacillate between anger and depression / reflection / loneliness these days.
As I reviewed the seven stages of grieving, I can see that I had worked through to acceptance and hope at one point…but as I wait in the confusing in-between, not knowing what God’s plan is for me with work or a place to settle down, I seem to bounce back down to stages three and four.
1. shock and denial
2. pain and guilt
3. anger and bargaining
4. depression, reflection, loneliness
5. the upward turn
6. reconstruction and working through
7. acceptance and hope
It still makes me angry when I think of what was done to me and more importantly the way other young girls had their innocence stolen at the hands of one of the “beloved pastors” of Sound Doctrine.
I forgive them over and over, but to watch them defend a pedophile and leave other young girls in harms way simply makes my blood boil. Losing WinePress is one thing, but knowing it employs people who use and abuse others in such heinous ways causes me incredible angst.
However, I am learning a lot through Bible Study Fellowship as I grow in my understanding of the whole counsel of God in context. I then become angry at myself for not being a better Berean and knowing my Bible better. Had I joined Bible Study Fellowship many years ago in my early years as a Christian, I never would have been drawn into such heretical doctrine. I would’ve seen clearly how often Scriptures were being used out of context to make a point and I would quickly have fled from the evil that was being portrayed as holiness.
So I cannot only feel anger for my abusers, I feel as much for my own lack of diligence and love for God’s word.
But then there’s the depression, reflection and loneliness that overcomes me at times when I confront the fact that I have to start my life all over again with nothing but my faith. I praise God that the loneliness doesn’t last long, since I have good friends locally and on Facebook who love me and support me on this journey. And as I continue to rebuild my broken family relationships that brings me much joy as well.
And then there’s my relationship with Jesus that just seems to grow every day. He is so considerate…gently moving me back on track when I veer off. My emotionally charged reactions to the many injustices I see have landed me in a few ditches along the way, but he just keeps picking me up and sending me back on my journey of healing.
So while I may be bouncing around a lot, it doesn’t take long for the Lord to encourage me and remind me that He is at work.
Those times of reflection help me to see all that God has worked in my heart over the last 5 months and remember all the miracles He has performed just to prove to me that I really can trust Him.
It’s hard to stay angry or depressed for long with such loving and merciful God on the throne.