Desolate

In my quiet time this morning I came across a scripture that really spoke to me.

The LORD redeemeth the soul of his servants; and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate. Psalm 34:22

I will have to say that this month has been an emotional roller coaster ride. The heights of joy and exhilaration at how God is at work in my life, followed by deep despair and desolation.

The dictionary describes the adjective this way:

Desolated: barren or laid waste; devastated:

The devastation of having everything stolen from me by the cult still stings. I still feel devastated, barren…the enemy having laid waste to my heart and life for 12 years. I think I am, in many ways, still in shock. I am ready for the emotions to be over and done with, but they seem to enjoy startling me with a surprise visit now and again. I surprise myself with how easily the tears still come, at the most inopportune times.

In my Key Word Bible I found that the word desolation comes from the Hebrew word:

Shamem: to stun, to grow numb, to devastate, to stupefy, to be astonished, to be appalled; to be desolate, waste, ravaged, solitary, or depopulated; to destroy, to lay waste; to despair, to ruin oneself, to be destitute….The word was used to describe Tamar after she was raped by Amnon (2 Sam. 13:20). It is something so horrible that it can leave a person speechless, (Job 21:5).

(From the Lexical Aids to the Old Testament)

As I read these words I grieve not only for the way I was ravaged spiritually and financially but once again for the victims of Malcolm Fraser. The desolation his perversion has caused his young victims, one of which I know is my granddaughter, is appalling, despicable, hideous. The horror of it left one victim speechless for 7 years until God began to work the courage in her heart to speak up. I long for God to work that same courage in my granddaughter.

And as I grab ahold of Psalm 34:22 and continue to trust in the Lord as He redeems my soul from the cult’s destruction and devastation, I choose to believe His Word. I choose to allow Him to heal my desolation even though the process is a painful one.

And as I allow Him to do so, I pray for the same work to be accomplished in the ravaged hearts of  the rest of his victims.

Fitting Words

Power is what men seek and any group that gets it will abuse it.

Lincoln Steffens, American Journalist

I’ve been pondering the use of scriptures about submitting to authority lately. It is interesting how proficient the leadership at Sound Doctrine/WinePress was at drilling those scriptures into our heads. It resulted in a group of people who never question or actually use their God given critical thinking skills to consider the red flags that continue to pop up.

It’s a crime when leadership like this make their followers feel they are the ones who are wrong for questioning, and even worse when they abuse the power they have to prey on young victims who cannot defend themselves.

For Thou are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness.

No evil dwells with Thee.

The boastful shall not stand before Thine eyes;

Thou dost hate all who do iniquity.

Psalm 5:4-5 NASB

Disturbing

My friend came back from her counseling again yesterday with more disturbing news. Her counselor had given her a handout entitled “Sexual Offenders 101”, which described perfectly the way we were treated in Sound Doctrine. Not only that, it described exactly the way we were taught to behave towards other members or potential members.

Red Flag Behaviors of Offenders

• Get to know you quickly; befriend you quickly
• Helpful, reliable, will gain your trust quickly
• Hangs out with kids/teens as much as or more than peers
• Knows more about what your kids like than you do (music, video games, cartoons, movies, language, etc.)
• Pays attention to target child, makes him/her feel special
• Involves target child in activities so they can be together (alone?)
• Ignores rules, limits, and boundaries
• Touches children in non-sexual ways in front of adults

King County Sexual Assault Resource Center – Next Steps: Trauma Focused Parenting

Get to know you quickly; befriend you quickly – CHECK … Whenever new people came to church we were taught to lay down our lives for them. Our number one goal was to get into their lives and establish a relationship of accountability where the new person saw the need to “walk in the light” with us.

Helpful, reliable, will gain your trust quickly – CHECK … We were taught to jump right in and serve others, to be true to our word and reliable, to show how trustworthy we were (because, of course, we were REAL Christians and showed it by our actions). I also saw this being true in the way we made ourselves indispensable to organizations we volunteered with, being the ones who made things happen so that we built trust and quelled any questions about our doctrine by being so reliable and helpful.

Hangs out with kids/teens as much as or more than peers – CHECK … After the leadership had built the foundation with the adults in each of the behaviors listed above, they began making a big deal of focusing efforts on the youth, almost to the extreme. A friend shared with me an article outlining the 10 ways Hitler used mind-control on youth, and what do you know, I could see EVERY SINGLE ONE of the tactics used on the children of Sound Doctrine.

Knows more about what your kids like than you do – CHECK … I can’t tell you how many times I would hear Carla Williams tell other moms “I know your son/daughter better than you do!” Parents were constantly made to feel as if they were a terrible parent, couldn’t see their child clearly, didn’t love their kids, etc., etc. This behavior, exhibited by leadership and taught to the members by example, created a wedge between parent and kids, between husband and wife, making everyone susceptible. We were taught to learn the likes and dislikes of others so we could use that information to “get them to the cross” and I saw the information that was gathered misused against children and parents in abusive ways.

Pays attention to target child, makes him/her feel special – CHECK … Foundational to the cult was the way the leaders family was made to be more important and special than anyone else. Then the attention by leadership (the Williams family) was used as a carrot with children and adults, withdrawn if the individual was misbehaving and dangled in front of them to get them to “behave”. Singling out certain individuals, for either praise or public humiliation, was a sick way of making the person (child or adult) feel special. Often times Tim Williams would have special emails and private threads on the Sound Doctrine message board with individual children in the church, and if they did not behave appropriately this special communication would be withdrawn.

Involves target child in activities so they can be together – CHECK … Building on the relationship fostered with the special emails and private threads, the Williams would do special things alone with the children, like invite them up to their house in the mountains (Shiloh) for the weekend, or going to special events.

Ignores rules, limits, or boundaries – CHECK … The mother of the child rape victim told me of an incident where Tim Williams had directed her to put her 3 girls through “manners boot camp.” During this time she was supposed to instill in her daughters that her authority was not to be questions and that they were to learn complete obedience to her as their parent. At the end of the boot camp Tim told one of the young girls that “Grandpappy (Tim) has more authority over you than your parents do!” to which “Granny” (Carla) agreed. It was considered normal in Sound Doctrine for anyone in leadership to usurp parental authority. No one had any boundaries when it came to leadership…since they heard from God and no one else did, they could do whatever they wanted and never be questioned. Because of this, they were above rules, limits and boundaries.

Touches children in non-sexual ways in front of adults – CHECK … The Sound Doctrine culture was full of hugs whenever greeting or saying goodbye to children and adults.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not calling the Williams pedophiles. What I am showing is the techniques that pedophiles use to groom their victims are exactly the same techniques that Sound Doctrine cult leadership use on members. By using these controlling methods, they created an environment where a pedophile could thrive and go undetected.

To see the uncanny similarities between behaviors of sex offenders and behaviors of the Sound Doctrine cult leadership is disturbing, to say the least.

How anyone can turn a blind eye it is beyond me.

Six Month Anniversary

Wow. It’s been six months that I’ve been free from the insanity I’ve lived with for the last 12 years. Exactly half a year ago I walked away from the most abusive and traumatic time in my life, with little hope of ever regaining a vibrant faith in God.

I still believed, even with all the hypocrisy and manipulation I endured, that I was walking away from God and that Tim and Carla Williams had a special relationship with God that I could never achieve. I had internalized all the judgments and condemnation that somehow I was the “betrayer witch” they labeled me as and they were the “beloved of God”.

How shocked I was to find out so many things pointing to the calculated abuse and Hitler-like exploitation that I’d lived for over a decade. Then to realize that the authoritarian domination and textbook cult mind-control techniques created a fertile ground for pedophile Malcolm Fraser to thrive in a position of authority without Tim and Carla even knowing…that had to be one of the most freeing realizations of my life.

I had not walked away from God. I had walked away from a spiritually abusive organization that thrives on destruction.

I must admit that I still have a hard time not feeling revenge well up inside my heart. Situations come up almost on a daily basis where I fail, feeling good that I am somehow able to do something to stop them and their abusive ways. And then God has to remind me that the battle is not mine, but His, and vengeance belongs to Him.

I’m afraid this battle with anger towards my abusers is going to take a while until it’s finally over.  I’m going to have to extend forgiveness over and over and over, regardless of the outcome of the sexual assault trial, and no matter how God chooses to execute judgment on my abusers.

My hope is for those still blinded by the spirit of intimidation and deliberate abuse of spiritual authority. May God open their eyes and give them the courage to humble themselves and admit they’ve been deceived.

Labeling

I saw an email the other day where the Sound Doctrine leadership was calling the way they are being treated as “witch hunt” emotionalism. I’ve been pondering that since I read it and realized it’s a perfect example of the way cults “label” any criticism to try to invalidate the issues that have been addressed.

As I reviewed a few vital books on understanding the mentality of abusive organizations, I saw two perfect quotes that speak directly to this issue. Here’s the first:

Toxic Characteristic #10: The technique of labeling is used to discount a person who opposes the beliefs of the religious addict.

Labeling attempts to dehumanize critics so that dismissing them or their opinions becomes much easier. The religious addict chooses not to address a critic individually but places a negative label on all who would disagree with his or her personal habits. Rather than say that John Smith has asked some questions, the addict proclaims that there are “detractors,” “traitors,” or “malcontents” who would destroy the ministry or organization. The labels become rallying points used to squelch a revolt. Once the label is in place, it becomes more difficult to see that person as a human with real needs and the potential for good judgment.

The military uses labeling to enhance the “killabillity” of the enemy. The last thing a military leader wants a solder to think about is that the person in his rifle sights may be a father of five little girls who will starve without a daddy. The enemy is given an ethnic label in an effort to dehumanize him. The soldier is better able to kill one hundred of them than one father or husband.

Religious addicts use the technique well, and when they use rumor and innuendo to kill the reputation of a sincere critic, other followers are more apt to go along if a label can dehumanize the dissenter.

Toxic Faith by Stephen Arterburn & Jack Felton – Pages 155 and 157

The second quote is from Kirk Farnsworth’s book. Kirk was the WinePress author who originally challenged me on Tim Williams’ doctrine.

The Spiritually Abusive Organization – Characteristic #5: Paranoia

This is the first of three characteristics that describe the forces that make it so difficult for victims to escape from spiritually abusive systems. It can be called “cultural paranoia” and is similar to that found in the neurotic organization described in chapter 3. In the spiritually abusive organization, paranoia permeates the culture primarily in the form of expecting criticism and avoiding contamination, as we can see in the following:

“There is a sense, spoken or unspoken, that “others will not understand what we’re all about, so let’s not let them know…that way they won’t be able to ridicule or persecute us.” There is an assumption that (1) what you say, know or do is a result of being more enlightened than others; (2) others will not understand unless they become one of your own, and (3) they otherwise will respond negatively.

In a place where authority is grasped and legislated, not simply demonstrated, persecution sensitivity builds a case for keeping everything within the system. Why? Because of the evil, dangerous, or unspiritual people outside of the system who are trying to weaken or destroy “us.” This mentality builds a strong wall or bunker around the abusive system, isolates the abusers from scrutiny and accountability, and makes it more difficult for people to leave—because they will then be outsiders too. While it is true that there is a world of evil outside of the system, there is also good out there. But people are misled into thinking that the only safety is in the system.” (The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Pages 73-74)

Wounded Workers: Recovering from Heartache in the Workplace and the Church by Kirk Farnsworth – Pages 96-97

The final nail in the coffin occurred when I looked up the definition of “witch hunt” on dictionary.com:

witch hunt

noun

an intensive effort to discover and expose disloyalty, subversion,dishonesty,
or the like, usually based on slight, doubtful, or irrelevant evidence.

Ironic that they would use that labeling to discount any criticism that is coming their way, when based on that definition, that’s exactly what they did to Chip MacGregor, well known Christian literary agent, when they sent him a ridiculous “Cease and Desist” letter naming him as a co-conspirator…he blogged about it here.

I have to say, it is just so liberating to see the TRUTH for what it is, not what the Sound Doctrine leadership “says” it is. They say Malcolm Fraser is innocent. I find that interesting, when a most reliable and credible source stated he could tell by the look on Malcolm’s face that he was guilty, no question about it.

I pray for every current Sound Doctrine member, including Carla Williams and her boys and their wives, that they might all have the scales fall from their eyes and see what they have been supporting all these years. It is not of God!

God’s Faithfulness

As I spent the weekend going through pictures of my firstborn to prepare a video montage for his birthday yesterday, I couldn’t help seeing God’s faithfulness through the years, and more importantly in the last six months.

When I walked away from what I thought for 12 years was the truth, but in reality turned out to be a bona fide cult, I had determined that if that was God, then I didn’t want to serve Him anymore. True to His faithfulness, He went to work to convince me that what had been presented to me as God was, in fact, NOT GOD. God set out to prove to me that He can be trusted and that He had been grossly misrepresented.

Not long after I left He intentionally wooed me back to Himself. First in helping me deprogram through a wonderful woman of God, then in bringing me to The Summit where they were starting the first class in the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality study…the week after I stepped foot in the door. Then He provided a place for me to stay while I get my feet back on the ground and start earning a living.

He orchestrated a divine appointment when I visited my Mom and brother in San Antonio, TX which resulted in working with 2 different authors, providing for me the income I needed right at that moment. Then when it seemed as if nothing more was coming and I wrestled with whether I should go out and get a job, He sent me not only another author to work with but a group of authors to represent for a big event later on this month.

The encouraging part of the whole thing is every time I have been down to nothing in my account and I want to talk to someone to get my ducks in a row to earn some income, God won’t let me. I am learning once again how much He wants me to know His faithfulness. If I go out and make things happen, then how will I know whether it is me or Him?

One example in particular was my most recent coaching assignment. The author said they couldn’t move forward until April 30. On April 25 I so wanted to ask her to send everything over to me early and just postdate the check to make sure I’d have it on the 30^th….funds were down so low I didn’t have an extra day. The Lord just would not let me do that no matter how much I whined to Him about my need. The very next day, on the 26^th, I received an email from the author saying “I just dropped everything in the mail today with a check dated April 30.” Then on top of that, when I emailed her on the 30^th to let her know the paperwork had arrived and say thank you, she wrote back explaining what a miracle it was that it arrived that quickly. Normally mail takes a week to reach Seattle from her small town, but this made it in half the time!

Then I started Bible Study Fellowship in the last few months of meetings before they break for the summer. And what are they studying but James, 1^st and 2^nd Peter and Jude. Hmmmmmm….warnings against false leaders and teachers. How timely!

There are numerous other instances where His ways have built back my trust in Him. In all of this His faithfulness rings true and I marvel at His handiwork.

The song that keeps running through my mind is Kari Jobe’s “You Are For Me”…how true it is, and how grateful I am for such a loving and faithful God!

So faithful, so constant and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient, so gracious, so merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me of who You are

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/kari_jobe/#share

Nothing New Under the Sun

My friends’ counselor at the King County Sexual Assault Resource Center (KSARC) mentioned the other day that the way a pedophile grooms a child to become a victim is the same way cults groom their members to become victims. I’ve been doing some reading up on this and see some amazing similarities.

I guess there’s nothing new under the sun. Whether its spiritual abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse (domestic violence) there’s a red thread found in the intentional manipulation for a desired end. How much more important it becomes, then, for us to guard against being vulnerable to abuse. And the only way to do that is to become emotionally healthy so we can differentiate between our true selves and our true feelings and those thoughts and emotions we have been manipulated or pressured into feeling.

Differentiation – Living Faithful to Your True Self

One very helpful way to clarify this process of growing in our faithfulness to our true selves in a new way is through the use of a new term: differentiation. Developed by Marie Bowen, the founder of modern family systems theory, it refers to a person’s capacity to “define his or her own life goals and values apart from the pressures of those around them.”

Differentiation involves the ability to hold onto who you are and who you are not. The degree to which you are able to affirm your distinctive values and goals apart from the pressures around you (separateness) while remaining close to people important to you (togetherness) helps determine your level of differentiation. People with a high level of differentiation have their own beliefs, convictions, directions, goals, and values apart from the pressures around them. They can choose, before God, how they want to be without being controlled by the approval or disapproval of others. Intensity of feelings, high stress, or the anxiety of others around them does not overwhelm their capacity to think intelligently.

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality – Page 82

When you belong to a cult, you aren’t able to choose anything about how you want to live your life. Your entire life is wrapped up in being controlled by the approval or disapproval of others. As I think back about the ways that Tim Williams intentionally groomed the Sound Doctrine members so that they would never believe their associate pastor could be guilty of child rape. He made a big deal of telling emotional stories of innocent victims being imprisoned for years and finally freed by lawyers for The Innocence Project. Then there were the comments about false memory syndrome and his opinion that you can’t believe someone who claims sexual abuse from childhood. Oh, and we can’t forget about the sermons that bashed any sort of inner healing and biblical counseling for emotional wounds. Nothing like keeping the flock incapable of having their own thoughts, beliefs, convictions and goals. They are much easier to manipulate this way.

I’ve been puzzled by the Sound Doctrine’s extreme paranoia lately and adamant refusal to even ask the question if Malcolm Fraser could possibly be guilty. But the more I think it through, I begin to understand their dilemma. If any of the current members consider the possibility that their associate pastor is a pedophile and has been one for many years, then the gig is up. They would have to admit that Tim and Carla Williams really do not hear from God and have created such an unhealthy controlling environment that it’s become a fertile ground for an abuser to thrive. The house of cards would fall and those who have burned every bridge in their lives and thrown away the last 10-20-30+ years on a lie would have to confront the fact that they’d been duped.

Not an easy place to be.

I know…I’ve been there.

Praying for God to continue to expose the lies, shine His light on the evil deeds of darkness, and set the captives free.